I haven’t been able to get Tim’s latest articles through because of a problem with the image manager. I’ll try to get everything running smoothly again as soon as I figure out what’s going wrong.
Recently, alert read Daniel Saurwein sent me a link to article in the Washington Post stating something I never really thought of; if we ever got into an argument over how much Canadian beer sucks that got out of hand, unlike Iraq, we’d actually have a plan.
It’s called War Plan Red.
Now, as a Wal-Mart employee, I see how bad Canadian customers can get when they notice all the velveeta cheese, spam, and cigarettes are gone; they gripe and complain about how bad America is and then pay for their meal with an American Express Card (I am NOT making this up). However, I never thought it would come to THIS.
To commemorate this occasion, I present the next demotivator.
Peace out!
Today marks the last article of mine to be published in the Dakota Student. Originally, “Smells of School Spirit” was turned down due to my calling Ralph Engelstad a neo-nazi (implicitly mind you) but after a week of negotiation they caved in and released a print friendly version on their website.
Let’s bring it to 1 over the summer shall we?
This marks a turning point in my articles as I am no longer bound by word length and content. No more worrying about setting off local merchants who also pay for advertising, no more worrying about insulting the administration, no more worrying about censorship on a local level. This presents an opportunity to tackle issues previously not covered before whether it be political commentary, sexual referencing, or even longer articles.
While comments on all three outlets are down significantly, readership by subscribers is at an all time high with 32 readers on livejournal, 32 on facebook and 23 here on myspace (which is actually down 2 readers for the year). I want to know how we can expand that. While my thesis production is in full swing, I want to know how things are looking. So far, I’ve hard my weekly article, the weekly demotivator, and the occasional quickie (don’t ask me to rephrase). How do these articles work for you? What would YOU, the audience, like to hear about?
Yes, I’m taking requests now! Post your ideas and I’ll write on them for you in a humorist twist akin to what you’re used to! Or should I change that as well?
Either way, check out the “print friendly version” of my article they printed on the Dakota Student website, it’s slightly different than the one I posted here but it’ll still make you laugh!
Peace out!
As many of you remember, last October I received a notice from UND Housing pertaining to an article I wrote for the Dakota Student, my campus newspaper. They were concerned about a fake anecdote I used about a grease fire and instead of asking me about via phone or email they just sent me the pink slip. The incident was later sorted out and Housing apologized over the phone for the miscommunication.
Well, that sort of thing is happening again only this time with the Dakota Student Editor-and-Chief Allison Kelly.
For yesterdays edition of the Dakota Student, I wrote a farewell article on school spirit and sent it in last Thursday. I then received a rejection email from the new opinion editor.
I just wanted to let you know that we decided not to run your school spirit article this week. The editorial staff had some issues with a few facts within your column. For example, the “neo-Nazi” comment (although I am sure the intent was satirical) we found to be a little innapropriatly placed for this issue’s editorial. If you want to work on it some more and send it in as a letter to the editor next semester (alumni are allowed to write in) you are more than welcome. I apologize for not informing you sooner, but I am new to the paper and was unaware of the policies. If you have any questions contact alison kelly–the editor-in-chief.
This alarmed me greatly; had I stated some factual errors in my own paper? I started emailing the editors and this morning I finally got some straight answers. This one from the editor-and-chief.
Here is the following bits in your column that we found issue with, and I will remind you that it was not Ms. Liden, but
myself and former managing editor Cory Hann that came to the decision of not printing your article.(Paragraph 3) But who is to blame for this abysmal loss? Times have changed, our players are getting worse. They
won’t obey their coaches, they just want to drink (underage) and curse
—Understandable this is your opinion, but it borders on libel and these are things that cannot be proven, sure they may
be theories in plenty of peoples heads.(paragraph 5) Even neo-Nazis cannot resist the urge to indulge in school spirit by spending $100 million on a new ice
rink especially when the alma mater song sounds suspiciously like Deutschlandlied
—Sure they may be some proof that Ralph Engelstad was a supporter of Germany in the 30’s, but we will not call him a
Neo Nazi in the paper, it is not true, it is an assumption. And the $100 million that Ralph gave to the school was meant for
only an ice rink it is not the situation that he gave UND 100 million and said do what you please.(paragraph 7) Nowhere is this more prevalent than our rivalry with the Minnesota Gophers, a.k.a. the d-bags.
—completely unnecessary and distasteful (of which we would have deleted if the column had ran)Also, the several references to Canada, though funny, we as a group deemed offensive.
So in overall saying there were falsehoods may not be the best choice of words, but instead the only one we could think
of at the time. In other words there were several issue we took with the column involving partially untrue assumptions
and bordering libel.I hope this explains some things, I will forward this to Ms. liden as well.
Due to the fact that we are out of session at the paper some miscommunication has occured, for that I am sorry and I do
hope this helps.
This email concerned me even more, not because I was I potentially instigated libel but because of the falsehood of the accusations.
Let’s go through them one by one.
What I wrote: “But who is to blame for this abysmal loss? Times have changed, our players are getting worse. They won’t obey their coaches, they just want to drink (underage) and curse.”
Kelly’s Response: “Understandable this is your opinion, but it borders on libel and these are things that cannot be proven, sure they may be theories in plenty of peoples heads.”
Now libel, according to Merriam Webster, is “anything that is defamatory or that maliciously or damagingly misrepresents.” It’s hardly misrepresented when the event actually happened and the players pleaded guilty and are not only still on the team but playing, alternate captains, and are considered all-American.
What I wrote: “Even neo-Nazis cannot resist the urge to indulge in school spirit by spending $100 million on a new ice rink especially when the alma mater song sounds suspiciously like Deutschlandlied.”
Kelly’s Response: “Sure they may be some proof that Ralph Engelstad was a supporter of Germany in the 30’s, but we will not call him a Neo Nazi in the paper, it is not true, it is an assumption. And the $100 million that Ralph gave to the school was meant for only an ice rink it is not the situation that he gave UND 100 million and said do what you please.”
There is also proof in the 1980s specifically his Hitler parties and portraits of himself as Hitler. He was subsequently fined $1.5 million by the Nevada Gaming Commission. Either he had a German fetish or he was a closet Nazi… and by closet, I mean his casino. Also, I said the money was spent on the ice rink, why Kelly assumed otherwise is beyond me.
However, to be fair to Kelly, if they do not wish to insult the Engelstad family, the sentence was designed to be easily removed and not critical to the article. Instead of spending 3 seconds to highlight the section and hit the delete key, they chose not to.
What I wrote: “Nowhere is this more prevalent than our rivalry with the Minnesota Gophers, a.k.a. the d-bags.”
Kelly’s Response: “completely unnecessary and distasteful (of which we would have deleted if the column had ran)”
OK, I’ll concede that much but they didn’t delete it; three simple words. I also find it hypocritical that Kelly is saying this when, under her watch, even more offensive articles were allowed to run and she even came out and defended them. Besides, I insult the UM Gophers in just about every article I write.
Additional comments by Kelly: “Also, the several references to Canada, though funny, we as a group deemed offensive.”
The article begins with a satirical look at the atrocious loss UND suffered by the hands of Boston College at Denver. It was a nasty loss of 6-1. Immediately after, the Fighting Sioux chatting forums were filled with angry posts from fans blaming everything from the controversy of the logo to bad coaching, poor discipline with the players, etc. While writing the opening paragraph of the article, my friends and I were joking about who really is to blame in jest. Then one of the co-writers, who shall remain anonymous through the pseudonym “Dan,” began humming a familiar song from South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut that was actually nominated for an academy award and performed by Robin Williams.
To ensure that this popular joke was to be caught by the general audience, I placed “*end South Park reference*” at the end to show it was not only a joke, but where I got it from. I was making fun of the stupidity of hard-core fans, particularly how they’ll blame everyone and everything. It’s satire, and I’ve spent the past nine months establishing myself as a humorist since my first article debuted in September.
So too bad they won’t publish my article but I thought you guys would get a kick out of what happened. I won’t be paranoid and start saying it was politically motivated, however, given they have insulted hunters, firearm owners, pro-life advocates, republicans, capitalists, mp3 player owners, etc. etc. and yet they get very offended by a satirical reference to Canada and the ice rink… it does make one raise their eyebrow.
But that is it; no more articles for the Dakota Student. The school year is coming to a close and I graduate in August. This means longer and more profane articles for you!
Peace out!
Milley Cyrus as teen pop star Hannah Montana has taken the pubescent nation by storm. The 15-year-old singer is almost synonymous with the word “diva” amongst the pre-teen (”tweeners”) and early teenage crowds. Her music is everywhere, her merchandise is everywhere and, like the herpes virus, doesn’t seem to being leaving any time soon. For any adult with the unfortunate experience to have heard her music, it’s like reliving the Mouseketeer years only add ditsy blonde sparkles to the mix and the song is put on repeat… for hours. This is especially painful for fathers of the listeners.
What’s worse is her emense popularity. I can recall one incident at work where a teenage girl was crying because she couldn’t find Hannah Montana’s newest cd “Best of Both Worlds.” The girl actually gave me a hug when I found our last copy. Not that I don’t mind hugs from girls, just not her age given certain consent laws and I’m no longer a resident of Alabama.
So what fueled this diva’s rise to fame? Was it a chance audition with Bruce Dickinson involving more cowbell? Or maybe a long-shot at American Idol?
Nope… her daddy got her a spot.
Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama has definitely taken the world by storm; he has rallied Oprah, George Clooney, Halle Berry, Will Smith, and a large laundry list of others to his cause. However, now Obama’s list of supporters not only transcends this world, but the netherworld as well.
According to the article by the LA Times, deceased actor Roy Scheider contributed $50 to Obama’s campaign despite two months of advanced necrosis. Scheider was also unavailable for comment.
While Scheider’s contribution was mostly due to “clerical error,” several members of another demographic have already been inspired to speak out in favor of Obama. Yesterday at City Hall in Los Angeles, several members of the zombie community came out to voice their support for Barack Obama.
Most the crowd kept chanting “Chaaaaaaaaaange!” while others were a little more specific on what they wanted.
“If Scheider can voice his opinion despite his deceased status, then so can we!” Chanted dead actor Denholm Elliot, who died of an AIDS-related illness in 1992.
Zombie voters are now sprouting everywhere in the nation, from graveyards, hospitals and raves. Zombified Gregory Peck was speaking out against the Iraq War in Los Angeles, George Lucas was eaten by Sir Alec Guinness outside Skywalker Ranch (thank God!), and Henry Fonda has formed a new zombie group. Here is their new poster.
Democratic-supporting celebrities are already taking advantage of this new emerging demographic. Controversial actress Jane Fonda met with seveal zombified members of the former Weather Underground but was interupted when members of the Zombie Vietnam Veterans for McCain burst in and ate Jane Fonda. One veterans described it as “poetic justice.”
Ball of fire actress Lindsay Lohan was spotted staggering with a group of zombies outside the White House the other day sparking media hysteria as to the cause of her death. Upon further examination, it was ruled out that she was just drunk.
Barack Obama was surprised at this new demographic, but is seemingly embracing it.
“They’re not much different than my supporters on college campus; only difference is they’re zombies while the college kids are just drunk.”
More as it develops.
It was a brave and heroic battle, out warriors in green and white took to the ice and fought Boston College in a fight to the death! It was glorious! Truly worthy of song in the Halls of Kahless for generations to come!
Who am I kidding?
It was the Charge of the not-so Light Brigade, Hakstol’s Last Charge, the Denver Death March. It was a massacre! It doesn’t matter that we placed, or that we put the gophers in their place without the need to hurl dead animals on the ice (they wouldn’t let us); what matters is that we lost and SOMEONE is to blame for it!
But who is to blame for this abysmal loss? Times have changed, our players are getting worse. They won’t obey their coaches they just want to drink (underage) and curse. Should we blame the fans? Or blame society? Or should we blame the lack of coverage on TV? NO! Blame Canada! Let’s blame Canada! With their curling hullabaloo and that William Shatner too!! It’s Canada’s fault!
School spirit is essential to college life as it makes us feel better for spending $6000 on tuition ($14,000 for out-of-state) when our hockey team places in the Frozen Four. It’s a great way for a sea of over 10,000 aimlessly wandering students to find some direction to follow. Even neo-Nazis cannot resist the urge to indulge in school spirit by spending $100 million on a new ice rink especially when the alma mater song sounds suspiciously like Deutschlandlied. Rooting for our team gives us something better to do with our weekends, like embracing the Atkins diet with tailgate parties, building really ugly floats, and cursing at total strangers dressed in maroon and gold. School spirit truly is a powerful force.
However, with great power comes great responsible. Like giving a hormone-driven freshmen access to a T1 line and no parental oversight school spirit can make people do weird, if not wrong, things like blaming Canada for our loss in Denver (it’s still their fault!). When you mix alcohol (especially lots of it) with school spirit, things are bound to get interesting if not downright strange. Side effects may include acute dizziness, nausea, vomiting, rioting, drunken staggering in a high school letter jacket, coyote ugly, streaking, erectile dysfunction, and… *shudders* watching Uwe Boll films. OK, so for school spirit to get out of hand one needs lots of (cheap) alcohol and a soccer hooligan mentality akin to South America and Manchester United fans but there is still the element of emotions running high.
Nowhere is this more prevalent than our rivalry with the Minnesota Gophers, a.k.a. the d-bags. I don’t know why, but I hate the gophers with every inch of my being despite the fact that I was raised a Jayhawk fan in Kansas (damn Wildcats) and later became a Cougar at Washington State University (Huck the fuskies!). Every time I see maroon and gold, it’s like red to the bull and I just want to charge at whoever is wearing it whether it’s an 18-year-old freshmen, an old grandma, or a grossly dressed infant. I can’t explain it, I’ve felt this way since I got here two years ago.
While excess school spirit might lead to confrontations with rivals, public indecency, wearing gosh-awful face paint, and singing fight songs that sound too much like something from high school, school spirit instills pride in our institution no matter how much they screw us over on parking. The memories of watching our team win or lose stays with us, giving us great anecdotes years later when our children ask us about our past. I can gleefully say I saw the 2003 Rose Bowl where my Cougars fought (and lost in quick succession to) Oklahoma, or about watching our hockey team at the University of North Dakota place every year that I was here. And let’s face it, for a small town in a state most Americans forgot exists, we have one bad ass hockey team… so long as they’re not playing Boston College that is. Next year Gadget, next year!
As we know, the political gunfire between Democratic presidential hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama has been increasing more and more as time goes on. First they insult each other’s policies, voting records and even drinking habits.
Now, they’ve taken things a little too far by going back to the classic mudslinging tactic of making fun of each other’s names.
Peace out!
For anyone growing up in the United States, you either grew up on watching movies and theater or you went to sporting events (sometimes both). For myself, I grew up watching Mariners and Royals games and the occassional KC Chiefs games. The unique thing about US sporting events is all the pizaaz that goes into our sporting events; it’s not just play hard and root hard like soccer is in Europe.
Here in the United States sporting events include fans throwing free throws for Dodge muscle cars, .50 cent food nights (Spokane AAA baseball), half-time shows with aging half-titied singers, and for anyone in Texas the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders!
Along the lines of the cheerleaders, fans have been pouring in from around the area to see these godly-sculpted beauties do their best to instill team spirit. As it turns out, fans have been pouring in from not just the surrounding area and nation but around the world as well. Take David Beckham for instance…
According to the article by The Daily Mail in the United Kingdom, David Beckham was caught catching a glimpse of more than just the game at a Sacramento Monarchs game.
Of course, this totally calls for a demotivator.
For just about the entire world, Youtube.com is the place for watching some great videos of others making complete fools out of themselves by either smashing their private male organs with blunt objects or showing off the misfortune of others. Either way, watching youtube has become a national past time not unlike blowing off limbs on the Fourth of July only now we’re filming it and placing the results on Youtube.
Just recently, I was going through my favorites and I found several commercials that I watched growing up and had to show them off here. Hope you guys enjoy them as much as I did.
Bud Lite Real Men of Genius: Mr. Silent Killer Gas Passer
Enjoy!
